Why Good Marriages Go Bad—And How to Bring Them Back

“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be.” — Heidi Priebe

A few days ago, I stumbled across this quote—and it stopped me cold. Not just because it’s poetic (which it is), but because it struck a deep, resounding chord. I sat with it, turning the words over in my mind like prayer beads. What does it really mean to attend a thousand funerals of the person you love? And more importantly, what does it demand of us, practically, in the daily grind of marriage?

The more I reflected, the more I realized: this isn't just metaphor. It's a manual. A poetic summary of the emotional labor marriage truly is—the grieving, the accepting, the re-loving of a spouse who keeps evolving, shedding skins, failing, growing, backsliding, and trying again.

And like a detective on a hunch, I found myself wandering over to my bookshelf, reaching for a book that had been silently waiting for this very moment: John Gottman’s Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. The title itself sounded like it was about to spill secrets I’d been craving. I’d heard plenty about it, of course—usually spoken of in reverent tones, alongside its equally famous sibling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (a gem that, regrettably, still hasn’t made it to my shelf, though it occupies prime real estate on my wish list).

These aren’t your run-of-the-mill self-help books—they’re more like love’s forensic reports, drawn from years of research, observation, and real-life marriage autopsies. Think of them as the scientific equivalent of your wise grandmother and your no-nonsense therapist joining forces to tell you the real reason couples spiral into disaster.

While there were plenty of gems scattered throughout, one section stuck with me like a revelation—a spotlight moment in the midst of an already illuminating read. It was the part where Gottman unveils what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—a concept so potent that it almost felt like a marriage doctor’s version of a warning label. These four little demons—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—are the silent killers of love, creeping into the fabric of our relationships, often unnoticed, but causing irreversible damage.

Now, you might think, “Are these really the four end-of-the-world triggers for marriages?” Well, in Gottman’s world, yes, they are. And here's the kicker—recognizing them early could be the difference between a thriving partnership and an emotional wasteland. So, while the book covers a multitude of insights, for now, I’m diving into the part that I feel is of utmost importance when it comes to gauging the health of your marriage: the Four Horsemen.

Grab a seat, because the ride is about to get very real.

Gottman’s genius lies in his ability to quantify the intangibles. He doesn’t deal in vague affirmations but in razor-sharp predictors like the Four Horsemen of the (Relationship) Apocalypse:

1. Criticism

2. Contempt

3. Defensiveness

4. Stonewalling

Gottman named these toxic communication styles after the harbingers of doom in the Book of Revelation for a reason: when these four gallop regularly through your marriage, they predict the end with eerie accuracy.

Let’s dive into this quartet of dysfunction:

What Is Criticism?

Criticism is when a complaint about a person’s behavior turns into an attack on their character. It’s no longer about what they did, but who they are as a person. For example, instead of saying, "You forgot to take out the trash," criticism might sound like, "You never help out. You're so lazy!" This shift from behavior to character strikes at the heart of a person’s self-worth and, over time, erodes the relationship.

Criticism builds a wall between you and your partner. It transforms “we” into “you versus me,” fostering division, defensiveness, and resentment.

Allah Most High says in the Quran:

“...so overlook with a gracious overlooking.” (Quran, 15:85)

Ibn ‘Abbas (Allah be pleased with them both) said it means being content without rebuke and being patient in the face of anger.

The Prophet (ﷺ) said: O community of people, who believed by their tongue, and belief did not enter their hearts, do not back-bite Muslims, and do not search for their faults, for if anyone searches for their faults, Allah will search for his fault, and if Allah searches for the fault of anyone, He disgraces him in his house. (Sunan Abi Dawud, 4880)

The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ exemplified gentleness in speech, even when offering correction, he (ﷺ) said:

“Verily, gentleness is not found in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it makes it ugly.” (Sahih Muslim)

Criticism removes gentleness. It introduces harshness, judgment, and emotional violence. Criticism strips away this gentleness, replacing it with superiority and frustration, which only serves to increase emotional distance between partners.

What It Sounds Like:

• “Why are you always so selfish?”

• “You never think of anyone but yourself.”

• “You’re just like your mother.”

These statements go beyond behavior; they attack the core of who your partner is. In these moments, we fail to recognize that we are not addressing actions but defining someone’s entire identity. As Socrates, the father of critical thought, famously said, “Before you speak, ask yourself: is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?” Most criticisms fail the “kindness” test, leading to unnecessary harm.

Antidote to Criticism: Gentle Start-Up

The antidote to criticism is a gentle start-up—approaching difficult conversations with a softer tone, avoiding blame, and expressing your feelings with vulnerability and clarity. Instead of saying, “You never think about me,” you can say, “I felt lonely when I had dinner alone. I’d really love it if we could plan time together.”

By using an I feel statement, we shift the focus from accusing our partner to expressing our needs.

Let me explain it further with few reality based scenarios:

SCENE 1: The Forgotten Dinner Plan

Criticism version:

"You never remember anything important! I told you about this dinner three times. You're so careless!"

Gentle Start-Up:

"I felt a bit hurt when you forgot the dinner with my parents. I really wanted us to show up together—it means a lot to them and me. Could we plan ahead together next time?"

Notice how the conversation shifts from blame to shared responsibility.

SCENE 2: Tea Trouble at 10 PM

Criticism version:

"You always leave your cup wherever you want! I'm not your maid, you know."

Gentle Start-Up:

"I feel a little overwhelmed when the dishes pile up after a long day. It would mean a lot if we could both put our cups in the sink."

From "you're lazy" to "let’s team up." Small change, big energy.

SCENE 3: The Phone Zombie

Criticism version:

"You're always on your phone! Do you even care that I'm sitting here?"

Gentle Start-Up:

"I miss connecting with you in the evenings. Can we have some phone-free time together after dinner?"

Criticism pushes away. Vulnerability invites in.

Now here’s a gentle challenge for you:

Take a moment and think about a recurring frustration in your relationship. Something that makes you want to roll your eyes, sigh dramatically, or deliver a TED Talk in sarcasm.

Now—pause. Breathe.

Instead of criticizing, ask yourself:

What am I feeling? What do I need? And how can I say it in a way that invites connection instead of conflict?”

Because here's the magic:

Every moment you feel the urge to criticize can be flipped into a powerful opportunity to connect.

Your partner might be falling short somewhere—but what if your response became a reminder of the love you both want to return to?

Remember the Key Elements of a Gentle Start-Up:

• I feel – Express your emotions.

• About what – Clarify the specific behavior that’s causing distress.

• And I need – Share your needs without demanding.

This method encourages kindness, clarity, and curiosity instead of blame. It invites dialogue rather than creating defensiveness, enabling both partners to work together in resolving issues.

What Is Contempt?

Contempt is criticism elevated to cruelty. It’s when disagreement morphs into disdain—when you’re not just angry, you’re disgusted. It is a powerful emotional weapon that disguises itself in sarcasm, mocking humor, name-calling, and derision.

Where criticism says, "You're wrong," contempt sneers, "You're worthless." It signals a moral high ground and is often expressed with a tone that drips with scorn. According to Dr. John Gottman, contempt is the most corrosive of the Four Horsemen—a leading predictor of divorce.

As Friedrich Nietzsche warned,

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.”

Contempt often arises when we feel unappreciated or resentful—but instead of addressing that need vulnerably, we weaponize it through mockery. Over time, this creates an emotional caste system in the relationship.

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "It is enough evil for a Muslim to look down upon his (Muslim) brother."

What Contempt Sounds Like:

• “Oh look, the king has finally decided to help.”

• “Seriously? You call that cooking?”

• “You’re such a failure—why do I even bother?”

• [Sighing dramatically] “Unbelievable… again.”

This tone of interaction doesn't just hurt feelings; it erodes respect, which is the cornerstone of emotional intimacy. The Qur’an places immense emphasis on preserving honor and forbids the language of ridicule:

“O you who believe! Let not a people ridicule another people—perhaps they may be better than them... Nor insult one another, nor call each other by nicknames.”

(Surah Al-Hujurat 49:11)

This verse is a divine boundary drawn to protect human dignity. And who more deserving of our protection than our own spouse?

He ﷺ said:

“He who is deprived of gentleness is deprived of all good.” (Sahih Muslim)

Contempt deprives us of gentleness—and in doing so, it kills the possibility of emotional safety.

Antidote: Cultivating Appreciation & Fondness

Gottman’s antidote to contempt isn’t confrontation—it’s daily acts of admiration and gratitude. It’s training your mind to notice what your spouse does right, not just what they forget.

Flip the Script: Real-Life Examples

Instead of:

“You’re so clueless—how hard is it to put the laundry in the basket?”

Try:

“I’ve had a long day, and I really appreciate it when you help keep things tidy. It makes me feel supported.”

Instead of:

“Wow, must be nice to lounge around while I do everything around here.”

Try:

“I’ve been juggling a lot today. If we could tag-team the chores tonight, it would mean the world to me.”

Instead of:

“You always mess things up with the kids—do you even care?”

Try:

“Parenting is tough for both of us. Can we talk about how to support each other better when they’re acting up?”

Allah Most High says in the Quran:

“If you show gratitude, I will give you more.” (Surah Ibrahim 14:7)

This applies not only to blessings from Allah—but to human relationships as well. Gratitude multiplies goodness. Contempt multiplies wounds.

True strength is found in humility, not humiliation. The more we honor each other, the stronger the marriage becomes.

A Little Brain Hack

Contempt thrives in a mind that keeps score. So start keeping score of the good stuff instead. Make it a habit to notice small acts of love, and then say them out loud, such as:

“Thank you for taking the car for maintenance.”

“It made me smile when you brought me tea.”

“You always know how to make our child laugh.”

Small phrases. Big dividends.

Reflect and Reframe

Now take a moment to imagine a scene from your life where contempt creeps in—the frustration when they’re late again, the way they forgot your birthday plans, the mess they left behind.

And ask yourself:

“What can I say in this moment that expresses my need without stripping theirs? How can I turn this into a bridge, not a battleground?”

Contempt is easy. Respect is holy.

And in marriage, reverence for the person you share your life with is the quiet secret behind enduring love.

Anyways I will stop here for now, but don’t gallop off just yet—two more horsemen are waiting in the wings: Defensiveness, the artful dodger of blame, and Stonewalling, the emotionally checked-out escape artist. We’ll be unpacking their tricks in a few days, so keep your emotional saddle ready. Because if you thought Criticism and Contempt were trouble, wait till you meet their equally destructive cousins. Until then, breathe, reflect—and maybe don’t start any conversations with “You always...”

If this little dive into Gottman’s world of marital wisdom has sparked something in you—be it curiosity, reflection, or even a sheepish “uh-oh, that sounded like me…”—then trust me, you’ve only scratched the surface. I would highly recommend to get this book.

You can grab your own copy from Amazon

Or if you're in Lahore, save your wallet and save yourself the headache to order the book from abroad as it is not available in the local market instead subscribe and borrow it from Bookflix - the city’s first online subscription for books and educational goodness.